What did the pecan say to the walnut?
We're friends because we're both nuts!
How do you know that Barbie is unpopular?
You have to buy her friends.
What's the difference between a good friend, a great friend, and a best friend?
A good friend calls you in jail, a great friend bails you out of jail, a best friend sits next to you and says, "Wasn't that fun?"
Why should you only keep a small group of friends?
Because three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
What do you call friends you go out to eat with?
Why is girlfriend one word, but best friend is two words?
Because best friends give you space when you need it.
How do you know when your friend isn't a very good friend?
They get you a Rubix cube for your birthday even though you're colour blind.
Why are crocodiles more straightforward than people?
Crocodile will just kill and eat you, whereas people pretend to be friends first.
What did one boob say to the other boob?
You're my breast friend!
Why can't you be friends with a squirrel?
Because they drive everyone nuts!
Why did the mushroom have so many friends?
Because he's a fungi.
Q: How did the two oceans become friends?
They kept waving at each other.
Q: What's the difference between a friend and a best friend?
One will help you move, the other will help you move a body.
Q: Why should you keep your best friends forever?
They know too much!
Q: What do you do if someone says only an onion can make them cry?
Throw a watermelon at their face.
"I'm so sorry I splilled all that ice in your kitchen earlier!"
"Oh don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now!"
What is the meaning of a true friend?
Someone who remembers your birthday, but forgets your age!
What's better than a good friend?
A good friend with chocolate
A penguin walks into a bar. He goes to the counter and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" What does the bartender say?
"I don't know, what does he look like?"
How did the rock climber lose his friend?
He cut ties with him
What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
I hear invoices!
My friend asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public.
I said maybe...
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