by Zara Mohammed, Relationships Columnist
Published in Relationships on 12th November, 2019
Some people find it more difficult than other to get over a break up with someone who meant so much to them. If you are one of these people, you are probably feeling like you can't imagine ever moving on.
We all move on in the end though, so here are some tips on how to get over someone you love, to help you if you are struggling.
Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves. We question why things didn't work out and we blame ourselves, thinking that we are not good enough, or we could or should have done things differently.
The only way to understand and accept what has happened, to heal, and to inevitably move on from a painful relationship break up, you have to be kind to yourself.
Try not to place blame, beat yourself up, or attempt to work out why things went wrong. These things will only make it harder for you to come to terms with the fact that these things happen in life, and that it's okay to feel confused, hurt, or even devastated.
Only time will heal you, so be kind to yourself and allow time to do its work. Get on with life as best you can, and take each day as it comes, trying to find something that makes you smile or sparks a little bit of joy.
Before you know it, the pain won't feel so bad, and the gaping space in your heart will fill itself up with new things.
The emotional pain we experience from a break up can be overwhelming. It can even feel like you are physically hurting. No wonder people try to switch their emotions off and refuse to allow them selves to feel what they feel. Unfortunately this isn't a healthy way to deal with pain.
Grieving is a natural and necessary process and it doesn't just occur when someone we love dies. We experience grief in so many forms throughout our lives, from leaving school and missing our teachers, to breaking up with someone we love deeply.
Grief is a healthy way to process our experiences and acknowledge what things have meant to us.
Try to remember that feeling negative emotions such as sadness anger and hurt is normal. Sometimes we think that because it feels so awful that it must be bad for us to feel these things, but nothing could be far from the truth.
Also be aware that the pain you are going through may feel endless, like it keeps coming back around again and again in waves, but that doesn't mean that it is.
Sometimes it isn't possible to put the necessary distance between you and your ex after a breakup. Maybe you are flatmates or work colleagues; maybe you share the same friendship group.
But if you are able to disconnect yourself as much as possible from your ex's life, so that you can't necessarily see everything that is going on in it, then it will help you to detach yourself emotionally quicker.
One of the best ways of doing this is to remove them from your social media and from your phone. It's not a petty act, it is one of self-preservation and survival, and it doesn't have to be forever. But you will find it so much more difficult to let go if their life is constantly in your face with status updates and pictured on Instagram.
Do yourself a favour and make an agreement with yourself that you are going to give yourself a set amount of time to establish this much needed distance.
You can even make the agreement with your ex so that they know it's not that you don't want to be friends, it's just that in order to move on emotionally you need some space, and only then will you be able to consider being friends again or having them in your life in a different way.
One of the hardest things is keeping all of those painful emotions locked up inside of your self. You need to find ways to release them, because the more you are able to deal with and let go of how you feel about what has happened, the more likely you will be to be able to let go completely.
Talking to friends and family is a great way initially to help release some of your thoughts and emotions. But even though the people in your life may love you and want to be 100% supportive to help you get through your break up, you may need more than what they can offer you.
I mean, what are you going to do when you find yourself up at God knows what time in the morning balling your eyes out? You can't rely on friends and family to be there every single time you need to talk.
Some people like to pay a professional Therapist to talk to and help them deal with their feelings. This can be very useful as they can offer an objective and neutral ear, and because you are paying for their services you don't have to feel like you are sharing too much or too often.
A more realistic and simple way to express yourself is just to write your thoughts down. Keep a journal or create an anonymous blog, and get all of your feelings out. Writing can really help you to work through your issues because it encouraged you to empty your brain and then reflect.
I hope these tips have helped you to understand the nature of breakups and realise that the pain you are feeling is just something you have to go through. We all have to go through this pain at some point in our lives, and we are brave for getting through it.
So be proud of yourself every day, because as each day passes you are one step closer to feeling like yourself again.